I wonder if all writers live in a world of constant self-doubt?  As an English teacher I critique writing for a living, but when it comes to my own writing, I find it nearly impossible to assess.  It's no different with songwriting.  Until I go public with a song--and sometimes even after I've gone public--I'm never quite sure if I've written something memorable, inspiring, anointed, or at all good.  (I could digress here into a discussion of what makes a song good, or whether I'm supposed to care what people think of the songs that God gives me, but that's a topic for another day.)

Twice in the last three weeks I sang songs at church that I had barely finished writing in time for the service.  In both cases my aunt and pastor, Susie, asked me to write a song to go with a series of messages she was bringing.  (What a great series.  If you haven't heard them, you should contact me to find out how to get a copy.)  I don't think Susie has ever asked me to write a song before, and I wasn't at all sure that I could write on demand.  During my decade or so as a songwriter, I have always found that songs just show up in my head--sometimes just tunes, with words to come later. 

In this case, Susie asked me by Thursday or Friday, but by Sunday morning I still didn't have a song written.  She gave me a scripture for inspiration and talked to me about the main theme of her messages.  And in both cases, sometime between arriving at church and the end of her sermon, I had a song ready to share with the congregation.  On both occasions, I really had no idea if what I'd written would meet Susie's expectations, let alone bless the congregation.  And in both cases, the response was gratifying.  

In both situations there was a part of my brain that said, "What a terrifying thing to do! What if you wrote something really awful?  This is a huge risk!  Just tell her you can't do it."  And then there is the voice that says "Susie asked you to do this because she believes in the God in you.  You don't write these songs anyway.  You're just the channel God uses.  Take the risk!"

I am glad I listened to that second voice, and that it turned out so well.  I am grateful for a pastor who believes in me and gave me just the push I needed to write two new songs. 

Songwriting is tightrope-walking, and sometimes I fall headlong into the gaping canyon below.  But getting to the other side certainly is satisfying.